it's been.... awhile. i have been away for a few years and let me tell you, they have been nothing short of what you would expect from adulthood. full of ups and downs, positives and negatives. i have seen successes and failures, experienced immense joy and unbearable heartache. ya know, normal stuff.
however, recently the culmination of all of these feelings and experiences has come down on me, really hard. i have experienced what i am so delicately labeling as my quarter-life crisis. now, feel free to laugh at that a little bit, most people do. i have even tried to. however, i guess i can now understand people who claim to go through something like this. it hasn't been easy. for a second there i didn't think i would make it past 26. but here i am, standing. and i would like to tell my story.
in april of this year, about the time i turned 26, i looked in the mirror and decided that after grad school i was going to continue my education and go to law school. this was an idea that didn't surprise those around me. i have always been an academic who was good at school. i have constantly compared myself to the infamous elle woods. coming out and telling everyone about this decision was so easy. the people around me didn't even, for one second, doubt my ability or desire to do this.
i dedicated myself to this new idea. i had never yet failed to achieve something academic that i put my mind to so there i went. filling my head and my heart with grand ideas of briefcases, pink power suits, and prestigious titles.
thinking of the idea itself wasn't hard. like i said, i have always been one to achieve big goals when it came to the world of academia. i talked and talked and talked about it. i think i even almost saw myself there once, or twice throughout this process. however, i never spoke my truth to anyone. the truth of what was happening was bubbling up inside of me in a cruel and unforgiving way. it was only a matter of time until it came out. but, while i have achieved academically in my 26 years of life, i have also become a master of disguise when it comes to hiding the things i really feel.
the next step in this goal was to enroll in a summer LSAT prep class. it's one thing to dream of going to law school, but it's another to pass the test and get in. i walked in my first night of class determined to sit down and solve this problem, just like i have with every other aspect in my life. i had no fear.
it became quickly apparent, however, that this was not going to be easy. i left class each night in tears. my mind wasn't working the way it always has. i couldn't grasp the concepts, i couldn't understand anything the teacher was trying to teach. i was frustrated, insecure, and afraid.
within just a few times of attending the class, i felt my brain slipping away from me. my mind felt foggy and i couldn't seem to find a light to guide me. i found myself sitting in spaces minute after minute not really thinking or seeing anything. i stopped sleeping because it seemed that every moment required me to be studying, working, or solving some problem. i was still in school at this time, working full time, and coaching so my life felt out of control. my brain wouldn't stop sorting out puzzles, problems, and projecting fears. everywhere i went i heard whispers telling me that i was failing. i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't communicate.
i continued going to the LSAT prep class but each time i went it got harder. forcing myself out of my car felt like hard work. walking inside the building sent me into an anxiety spiral. the tears wouldn't stop. my chest would tighten up and i couldn't breathe. i continued to isolate myself for fear that others would see me like this, failing.
what if my greatest fears had come to pass and i truly was a failure of great proportions? what if i truly was going to amount.... to nothing?
all of these emotions and anxieties finally built up until one day, it felt like i popped. i went down and took a practice test which i bombed, yet again, and i lost it. i felt maniacal. i was hysterical and lost all control. i couldn't hold it in any longer. i screamed. i cried. i looked in the mirror and cried some more. who was this person? who was this FAILURE looking back at me? i didn't recognize her anymore. i felt hopeless, lost, confused, and scared. if i couldn't be successful in this way, then what did i have and what was i going to do?
amongst all of this, i went to therapy. i finally opened up and was honest with her about what i was feeling. i told her of my desperation and my frustration. she looked at me and said,
"okay caitlin, do you even WANT to go to law school? and WHY do you want that? why do you want the things that you want?"
as i pondered, prayed (for the first time in a long time) and pondered some more i came up with a few big realizations. i, caitlin thomas, did not want to go to law school. but, i, caitlin thomas, had made the decision to go to law school because saying that sounded a lot better than voicing my fears. and clouding my insecurities with more "success" and more "prestige" felt a whole hell of a lot easier than the alternative. honestly, what it came down to was this. i was 26. i was a 26-year-old single woman in utah county who was afraid that she would, in fact, never get married and therefore, amount to a whole lot of nothing. but, the more i kept studying and going to school and climbing the social ladder of success, then i had a really good excuse as to why i wasn't married and then nobody would feel sorry for me, judge me, or question me. i used it as a front to disguise what was really going on. i was using my academic successes as the main source of my self-esteem. so when it felt as if all of that began to come crashing down, i was left with nothing.
but the truth is, i wasn't on the path towards doing what i truly wanted to do. i was on a path that was leading me towards something that wasn't real, for me. is law school and being a lawyer amazing and good and necessary? absolutely! but, is it truly how i envision living my happiest life? no. it's not.
coming to this realization was terrifying. voicing it was debilitating. what would my friends and family say? what would they think of me? and although i knew THIS wasn't what i wanted i still didn't have any answers for what i did want. and caitlin thomas always has a plan, ALWAYS.
so, here i am. i am no longer making plans to attend law school, and i have withdrawn from the LSAT. i thought all of that would make me look like a failure... and maybe it still does but i also feel so relieved. i don't feel the weight of everyone else's expectations for me on my shoulders. i don't have a full plan painted of what the next year of my life looks like, and that still scares me, but at least i can go home at night knowing that i made a decision for and about myself.today, i give myself permission. permission to laugh. permission to not have it all together. permission to be single without an explanation (and no, im not dating anyone. and that's okay. please stop asking.) permission to gain a little bit of weight and still love my body. permission to try something, fail and then switch to another course. permission to relax and set boundaries. permission to wait for the unknown to become known. permission to trust my instincts
and head into the fog with courage in myself. permission to be brave and push social norms. permission to stop apologizing.
permission to pursue what i want, even if that means leaving behind the dreams of what others had for me.
i guess what im saying is, you also have space and permission to do all of these things, and more. i know it's scary, but learning to trust and take care of yourself is the most valuable thing you will ever do for yourself. i am certainly not a perfect example of this, but i promise to keep trying if you will promise to do the same, too.
oh, and guess what? i can still dream of briefcases, pink power suits, and success just like elle woods, with or without law school.
and trust me. those are dreams i will never give up on.
shine on,
glitter girl.