my third and fourth year into college is when i started to
really struggle with anxiety and depression. I was 22 years old and had
recently returned from serving an LDS mission. I spent my first two years of
college at a small jr. college in a small town where i lived with my best
friend and cousin. I loved it and thrived there and got better grades than I
ever have in my whole life. I took time off to serve my mission, then enrolled
into a large university, the largest in the state of Utah.
I have normally been described as a happy energetic, even
hyper person. I loved my family and friends and have spent my entire life
surrounded my loved ones. Anywhere I went, I would find or make friends. However, a lot of things in my life were in
transition, with friends coming and going, getting married having children, and
the normal things that happen when you become an adult. I however felt as if I
wasn't moving or progressing at all. I was stuck in one place and the whole
world was moving around me. My grades started to plummet. I struggled earning
my math credit. I took several different routes and classes and took the same
class several times and for some reason was unable to pass and earn my final
math credit. Semester after semester it got worse and worse. I had to
continually fight my way out of academic probation semester after semester.
Simultaneously, I was struggling with my social life as well. I went through
three serious relationships that failed and left me heart broken. I grew
distant from my friends who I normally was going out with daily, and no longer
made any effort to go out and see.
I fell into a rut, which happens to everyone, but for some
reason was unable to pull myself out of it, and felt my self falling further
and further. I failed classes, failed relationships, and felt like I was
failing my loved ones. On top of that I could feel my spirituality failing me.
The word failure felt like it was branded on my chest like I was the main
character in the Scarlet Letter. What once felt like a dark night became a
thick dark fog where i couldn't see anyone or anything in front of me no matter
where I turned. It became suffocating as I drowned in my own self doubt and
extreme feelings of inadequacy.
My mother noticed my mood change and saw me drifting and had
me meet with a professional. He diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and a
mood disorder that often comes from those things called Anhedonia. Anhedonia is a form of depression where is the
inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable. Sometimes it is mere passive joylessness and
dreariness, discouragement, dejection, lack of taste and zest and spring. My
therapist helped me talk about my struggles and feelings and suggest I received
medication. Being scared of the affects of anti-depressants, he helped me learn
coping mechanisms and understand my triggers and be better in touch with my own
thoughts and feelings. I did art therapy and painted. I got tested for learning
disabilities and found out I had been struggling with ADHD and a cognitive
processing disorder.

1 comment:
You're amazing, Court. I love you!
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