sin.
where i come from i hear that word a lot. i think most religions use this word to describe actions that we are taught go against the will of the mighty creator we believe. for those that aren't religious, it probably means something different, but along those same lines right? when we think of sin, we think of bad stuff. when i think of the word sin, i think about darkness, despair, bitterness, rebelliousness, wrongness, and guilt. now, we may not all agree on issues of religion, but we can certainly all agree that these words carry a lot of shame with them.
i think, at one point in our lives, we have all made choices that we knew weren't right. regardless of our upbringing, most humans have an innate sense of right and wrong. as kids, we were taught by our parents, or parental figures, the laws of our society and how we fit into those laws. we were given our version of an established moral center. we grew up (hopefully) knowing certain things we should or should not do.
so, what happened to us when we grew up?
as kids we were taught not to hit other people, yet as adults we are guilty of emotionally punching others when we say things to hurt them. we were taught not to steal, yet we delight in the taking of other people's rights and happiness. we were asked to forgive others, yet i find that most adults have little to no concept of how to forgive themselves.
when did those lessons from our childhood become so totally forgotten?
you see guys, i have lived an okay life i think. i have tried to live the principles my parents have taught me. i have tried to take the knowledge that i have and use it to help others. i think, like most people around me, i want to make a positive impact on the lives of other people around me. i think i still have that innate sense of goodness that was bestowed upon my soul by my Great Creator. but, there's still this one thing holding me back... that nasty little word called sin.
throughout my entire life, i have worked to try and please the people around me. i have, at times, been obsessed with the way other people perceive my choices. i have desperately clung to the labels others have given me, and tried my darndest to live up to them. i was told i was the "golden child" and so therefore, i couldn't have anyone in my family see me make a mistake. i was always the "realistic thinker" among my friends, and therefore i never acted on my spontaneous impulses. i am an "example, a friend, a confidant, a rock the perfect kid." i am what other people have always told me that i am.
flipping that coin, that also makes me "hard to talk to sometimes, stubborn, impatient, stuck-up, privileged, ugly, loud, incompetent." how is it possible to be all those things at once?
while the positive labels and compliments other people gave me were sincere and meant to lift me up, there were also times when the labels became too much. and that is where this post comes in. i promise, i will tie everything back in momentarily, just give me a second.
recently, i have experienced some extreme forms of heartache. like i said before, i have tried to always do the things i was told to do, and make the choices i was told were right. in the midst of all this grown-up decision making, i was also selfishly discarded. i was shown love and then had that love taken away. i was told that i did not live up to the cultural standards around me. i was heartbroken, torn, and left with a bitter heart. as a result of some of my own bad choices, and the choices of others, i became hardened to the world. i remember thinking to myself, "well, i have tried to do everything that is 'right' and i still got hurt, so what's the point?" i began wishing and hoping for a different life. i didn't want the one i had. i wanted to make different choices in my life, but the labels i had been given would contradict those choices. i felt suffocated. i felt wronged. i felt weak. i felt insignificant. i felt as if everything i had ever believed about the world and those in it, was slowly crashing down on top of me. God had promised that if i didn't sin, i would be happy. he promised me that if i just made the right choices with faith, i would feel hope. but, i didn't feel hope. i was sick and tired of playing His games and waiting on His timing. i was letting everyone around me down, and i could hardly live with myself. i wanted the freedom to choose my life, but didn't know how to escape from the disappointment i would surely face if i did. my anxiety and depression weighed me down like an anchor, and i felt helpless. i wanted to give up. but how could someone who has always preached and advocated for life possibly be so hypocritical?
"pathetic," the adversary whispered, "weak, meaningless, worthless piece of garbage."
and that has been my life. just me, feeling all alone, drowning in a pool of sin, despair, and pity.
for those of you who have been down dark paths, i think you know what i'm talking about.
for months, i have felt my soul being rotted away by anger and sin. sin, in this case being my own damn pride.
what i am here to do today, is let you all know that i have truly found an escape from this sorrow. and that escape comes in the form of turning away from my sin.
due to some extreme divine intervention, i was guided back to the light. for me, it came in the form of a Savior. in my life, i have been raised to understand that the Savior is the person responsible for helping me clean up the messes i make in my life. however, up until recently, i don't think i ever really allowed that to happen. i think i was preaching to others that there was an escape to them, but never opening that door to myself. i didn't know how it could. but, i do now.
YOU GUYS. there is a way out of the destruction of sin- sin meaning whatever it is you think it means! there is no minimum qualifications, test, or requirements asked of you. we all are just simply given an escape. it is offered to everyone- white, black, male, female, gay, straight, christian, agnostic, muslim, american, australian, WHAT HAVE YOU. isn't that the coolest thing? and contrary to popular belief, you don't even have to be Mormon to have this apply to you, you just have to be searching.
i have learned that i think it's part of our condition as imperfect mortals to feel like we are surrounded by darkness.
but, there is a light and there is a way back towards peace and light- and that peace and that light can be in whatever form you may perceive it to be.
so simply, i want to leave it at this. i am on the path out of sin, which is what i refer to as repentance. now trust me, this path is hard. it's not like i just woke up one morning and had my sorrow erased. but, it's getting better. my God is nurturing this questioning, rebellious, proud soul and helping me to reshape and reform. i am learning to teach myself how to seek out light, not darkness. and i must say, it feels so damn good.
some people might read this and think it's a bunch of crazy religious shenanigans. and you know, maybe it is, but it's a bunch of shenanigans that is making me feel better so i don't see why it hurts anyone to believe it. i am now greater than the sum of my labels, bad decisions, pride, and sin. in fact, i can be more than all those things- i can be me. i no longer need to be obedient out of fear of disappointing others, i can do it because i know it's right and that feels amazing. nothing is permanent. nothing is hopeless. sin has no bearing on my future anymore. i am free from the bonds that have tied me down for so long. the weight on my chest that was suffocating me is lifting. i feel safe inside my own skin again.
this knowledge applies to everyone regardless of belief, faith, or culture. don't let anyone else make you believe differently. your life matters, i swear it does. i found hope in my Savior, and i think you might be able to find it too. this awesome video explains it better than me, so i'll let you watch it. just remember guys, there is glitter everywhere. sometimes we stop being able to see it in the world, and most days we forget to see it in ourselves, but there is so much glitter in the world and we have access to it through this Savior guy. your life is SO meaningful. your life is SO important. your health is SO important. if you ever start to feel differently, contact me. i am not perfect by any means, but i am battling on. i am here for you, and so are scores of so many other people. and if not scores of people, well, the Savior is. that's his job and he is pretty freakin' good at it. YOU ARE NOT LOST.
shine on,
glitter girl.
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