alright, readers, it's been awhile.

sorry to those who still read this blog and haven't seen anything in a while. i mean, i could use the excuse "i've been busy" like most people do, but honestly i just haven't felt that inspired to write much the past little while. i have been in this sort of rut, you see, and i am just barely finding something awesome to write about, so here we go.

for those of you who know, i graduated from BYU earlier this year and went on to begin working a full-time job as a content writer for a marketing team. i have loved working here and have gained a lot of experience so far. i also am coaching my drill girls again this year. two things that are really rewarding, but take up a lot of my time. but, you know me, i don't mind being busy.

but with being busy and caught up in adulthood does come some other consequences that were previously unknown or experienced by me. this "rut" that i referred to earlier has come mostly because i have begun to feel like my progress has become stagnant. i don't feel like i am going anywhere. i am just doing the same things day in and day out. then there comes the disappointment and discouragement that comes from dating, applying to grad schools, facing failure, and navigating through adult relationships. i have started to feel deflated, small, and insignificant. i didn't feel like i was making a difference for anyone. i was living for myself, spending money on myself, working for myself... nothing all that exciting or motivating. i wasn't connecting with another person- in fact, i have faced a lot of rejection and heartache in that area. i guess what i am saying is... i have been throwing a really big pity party for myself lately as i have been contemplating the life-long universal question of "what is my purpose here?"

then, last night, my family and i went to visit temple square in salt lake city. we do this every christmas and so honestly, i wasn't expecting much. we saw the temple, the lights, and went inside the visitor's center. the same things i have grown up seeing every year. but, as is per usual with the Spirit, my heart was lit up as i noticed the canvas photos of Mary hanging on the wall. and in that moment, my mind and emotions began to spin. the still i was looking at captured the moment after the angel had visited Mary and announced to her that she, an unwed virgin, would become pregnant with the Christ child. that she would raise him, love him, and care for him. he then left her alone to cope with what was most likely a very "questioning and traumatic moment." i think sometimes we picture this moment with Mary as one of rejoicing for her, but i believe that feeling joy was only a small part of it for her. remember, this was a young TEEN girl who WASN'T married and was about to become pregnant!!!! that was unheard of at this time. and women in her predicament were normally banished and sent away from their family and friends. so, uhm YOU GUYS, while i am sure Mary was feeling joy, i am sure she was also kind of FREAKING OUT inside.

the photo that hung on the wall showed a certain feeling on Mary's face- one that i recognize as having felt myself. she looked heavy. the world had most certainly begun to crumble around her. i wonder if she felt fear in that moment- fear of rejection, fear of the unknown,  fear of inadequacy, and fear of failure. aren't these all emotions and fears that, i too, had recently felt about my own life? had the look on her face been one that had crossed mine in my most lonely moments?

i am sure that Mary felt all of those things. but, you know what? she didn't let those fears and emotions stop her. the next photo shows her riding on the back of a donkey, pregnant, and looking for lodging. joseph was with her, but in between those two photos, i imagine there was a lot of heartache and sadness for Mary. heck, Joseph didn't even believe her at first and he even thought about leaving her. ARE YOU KIDDING? i am sure that she had to hide away for months so that nobody would find her. she was probably questioned over and over, and i bet even a few people criticized her and called her a liar. i imagine the road was slippery and unsure.

but, she didn't stop. she kept going. without having all the answers in front of her, she went forward with faith and with hope. i am sure she was still afraid but isn't that what courage is? "Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." that is exactly what Mary did. she just simply went on.

sometimes you guys, that is what the Lord asks of us. even when we are surrounded by clouds of doubt and insecurity, sometimes we are asked to push forward and just GO ON, waiting for the Lord's timing to serve its purpose. like Mary, sometimes we have to hold onto that little seed of faith we have inside of us, and be brave. sometimes we have to rejoice in the small things and wade through the tough ones. sometimes, we don't get everything we want or feel "full satisfaction" at the time, and sometimes we have to "ride our donkeys" and "sleep in our stables." however, at the end of it all, the Lord will send us our shining star. He will provide the pathway that carves into the rest of our lives.

so, last night as i got home and laid in bed, thinking, i thought about how i can be more like Mary. a regular, mortal human with flaws and imperfections. how can i face my trials and opposition like her? how can i emulate faith as strongly as she did? and let me tell you, once i started to think this way, my life began to feel much more worthwhile. a volunteer opportunity came across my way, i had ideas of research topics flood into my mind, and the opportunities around me became much more clear. the power of perspective much?

to end this rant, i want to express how grateful i am for Mary. i am so grateful for her example and her light. i am grateful that God gave me an example of strength, faith, compassion, devotion, and female empowerment. this Christmas, i want to be a little more like her. i want to emulate what she emulated. i want to be a woman of God who walks forward through the fog and braves the storm. i may not ever be at her level, but at least i can try.

merry christmas everyone. may we all find hope in the small things, and smile at the blessings all around us. and on days where we can't find joy, may we all be blessed with the courage to simply go on. 

shine on,

glitter girl.